Growing Pains

I want to leave.  I want to go far away.  My year in Richmond has been very interesting to say the least, and though I've grown as an individual, I still have a lot more growing to do.  Richmond is not the place to do that.  The unfamiliar and challenging calls me; I hope, in the next few months, I'll be able to make up my mind about a teach abroad program that I would be comfortable, no scratch that, interested in doing.  I anticipate that any teach abroad program that I will do will have its share of uncomfortable moments and challenges that I can't even begin to imagine right now.  All this talk about, "Why don't you go to Europe?" is not what I want.  One, because Europe is extremely expensive and means either debt, or the inability to experience all that Europe has to offer, and two, I don't want things to be easy.  I have nothing against Europe, in fact, it's one of the places I want to re-visit someday, but not now.  Not in this formulative period of my life.

I read a blog post about 20-somethings the other day, and it explained why being in your 20s is awesome.

Some take-aways: "Being in your twenties allows you to start carving out the life you want for yourself. Everything is on your terms now which seems daunting but is actually liberating. For the first time in your life you’re the boss."

After a year of a decent-paying, but incredibly dull post-grad job,  paying my own bills, having my first credit card, buying groceries, and after months of living alone (read: lonliness) and trying to warn off depression by telling myself that life is too short to let depression invade it, I'm ready to be my own boss.  Like the 20-somethings article states, everything in the first 20 years of our lives was planned out for us.  Someone else guided you down a path, culminating in the college years. 

Because of this, I'm almost afraid to make any major decisions without someone telling me to, or telling me it is the "right thing to do".  Maybe this is in part because I've been on my parents dime for 20+ years; I make decisions based on their opinions and beliefs because they have provided for me.  In the past few months, I've discovered this hesitation I have to make any big decisions.  Should I buy this expensive phone? I don't know, unless my parents, boyfriend, or close friends tell me I should.  Should I sign up to take an online TESOL course? Should I?  A stillness, a quiet, makes me realize I have to make these decisions on my own.  It's my life, it's my money.  But why am I so afraid to take leaps of faith?  I'm sure it's because I'm worried about making the wrong decisions and disappointing people in my life. 

But I'm starting to realize that I could move to Antartica if I really wanted to (and had the financial resources).  I'm the boss of my life and everything is on my terms now.  It is time to start making some changes, time to be uncomfortable and face challenges as best I can.  It is time to leave.  It is time to go far away.

Organized Chaos: An Adventure in Vietnam, Part I

So I believe it's officially the end of what I like to call the "stressful period" in my life, which lasted for 4 months, hence the hiatus in posts.  As Adam left for Vietnam, I attempted to keep myself busy with a lot of craft projects that still have yet to be completed, as the busy holidays and annual Fellows banquet at work took its toll on my so called, down-time. Sometimes you get so caught up in being busy that you almost become numb to feelings and emotions; no bueno. 

Right now, I'm extremely jetlagged, for real.  I can't really think straight, and my head has a weird pressure on it, and I don't know how much sense I'm going to make.  So why am I jetlagged?  Because I just got back from one of the most amazing trips of a lifetime to Vietnam, where my boyfriend is currently living. We did so many things, saw so many different parts of the country, and had a lot of fun experiencing everything together.  I left for this trip the day after a stressful work conference/Fellows banquet, and planned the trip no less than 15 days before I left.  The timing was right, as it was Tet Holiday (Lunar New Year) in Vietnam and Adam had an entire week off work, though I'm not one to plan something as big as this so last minute.  From last minute preparations, to asking for time off work (after already taking a week off in December), to going to a foreign land, I was definitely out of my comfort zone.  But you know what? It felt so good.  This sporadic, spur of the moment, go with the flow adventure took me out of my usual "everything needs to happen a certain way" mode.  It turned off, and I decided to let Vietnam have me, if you will, carefree, exploring, experiencing, not knowing what food I'd be eating next, or where we'd be going the next day.  Although some of my "I need to know what the plan is, and we need to stick to it" impluses kicked in, I learned that sometimes it's better to experience life on the fly, not knowing what's ahead.  Sometimes it's good to plan last minute, because then you're more open to experiencing the moment, than experiencing with pre-expectations.  

This trip definitely changed the way I see things, and may have an impact on my habits in the future.  It also revealed that I'm in my formative years, and now is the time to decide what type of woman I want to become and what dream I want to chase.  In the next few posts, I'll write more about my experience, but first, so that I can analyze everything fully, I'm going to wait until the jetlag wears off and the fog around my mind clears.